...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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