I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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