Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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