I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
