so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
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