Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize
