just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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