dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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