The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
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