3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
