Oh and I watched laurens last episode on the hills. its been an emotional day
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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