I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
My pussy is not your playground.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
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