So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
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