Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
a search helicopter?!
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
This baby is an asshole
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
