would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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