I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
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