so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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