Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
