The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
