We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize