I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
