i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
We have so much sex to catch up on
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Randomize
