I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
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