i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
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