Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
