I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
