You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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