Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
You hook up with other guys, let him talk to other girls.
no
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
