i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
