apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
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