Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
