Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
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