I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
