we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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