2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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