I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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