i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
