I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
