I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Randomize