He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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