everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
