Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
How many fucks given?
0.12846
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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