That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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