dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize