I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
