Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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