pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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