ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
there's paper in my vomit.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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