Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
