Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
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