I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
