My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
