did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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