im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
