There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Randomize
