I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Randomize