I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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