I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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