I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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