I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
you guys were way drunker than both of me
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
